September 14 at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, CA
ESPN
This was my first time listening to Trent Dilfer speak and it simply has to be the last. I can't take another forty seconds of this person talking, let alone three hours.
Dilfer spewed so much nonsense over the course of this 20-3 49ers win that A) I forgot at times that CHRIS BERMAN was also in the broadcast booth and B) I actually had to grab a second pen. MY FIRST PEN RAN OUT OF INK.
We'll call this one The Dilfer Game.
* Dilfer certainly seems to think Colin Kaepernick is going to improve quite a bit as a quarterback this season. First, he talked about how the 49ers worked with Kaepernick's release point, though he doesn't call it a "release point", he calls it a LAUNCH POINT. How do I know he calls it that? Because he said it seven times.
"Change the launch point"
"Again, change the launch point!"
"Change Kaepernick's launch point"
"Moved the launch point for Colin Kaepernick"
Things got weirder. Dilfer referred to Kaepernick as a Ferrari and that San Francisco is "going to let the Ferrari run like a Ferrari, not like a Prius." (said three times). Of course Berman thought that was hilarious.
And also: "That's a big boy throw!"
* Two of the odder moments for Dilfer occurred when he said all anyone cares about is yards (or "fantasy stats"):
1. "In the NFL, it's all about yards and fantasy stats! (But) the 49ers have to be about finish!"
So, in fantasy you get points each time a player gains a certain number of yards, but that's just for the fantasy nerds! Nerds!! Scoring is what matters.....even though in fantasy you get points for that as well.
And hang on just a second, TRENT: YARDS DON'T MATTER?! What the hell are you talking about?!
2. The Vikings' offense was pretty awful on Monday - three points, 248 total yards - not exactly a difficult test. But SF's defensive performance was plenty for Dilfer, even though nine minutes still remained in the first game of the season when he screamed "anybody who thought the '9ers defense was dead you were wrong!"
* Carlos Hyde was outstanding all night - 168 rushing yards and two touchdowns. To Dilfer, Hyde isn't just the lead running back, he's the BELL COW ON OFFENSE (said six times).
Then: "Welcome NFL to Carlos Hyde."
* First quarter, SF had a third down at the Minnesota 16.
Dilfer: "don't turn the ball over."
Thanks, Trent!
Other Football/Nonsense Phrases
"Slobberknocker"
"Third and manageable" (2)
"Third and impossible"
"Holy toledo"
"Ghost action"
"Juiced up"
"Remedial plays"
"Downhill profile"/"Passing profile"
"Pocket mechanics"
"Passing posture"
"Physicality" (2)
"Soft edge"
"War room"
"Tough sledding"
"Dink and dunk"
"Change the landscape"
"We're talking fire breathers"
Chris Berman
Just because Trent Dilfer is insufferable, doesn't mean Chris Berman isn't also completely insufferable. Berman took a back seat on Monday (his first back seat since May, 1962 - family trip to Yosemite National Park. Since, he only sits in the FRONT SEAT), but he still had a few things to say.
* Late in the game, Berman did the announcer thing and went through all the time zones to say hello - "if you're watching on the east coast, good morning," etc. Then he said this: "of course, if you're watching in Hawaii, happy dinner."
* He referred to Levi's Stadium as "The Big Bell Bottom" on three
occasions, because Chris Berman is contractually obligated to have
everyone hate him.
And finally, Dilfer referred to Berman as "Boom" 21 times.
That seems like a perfect place to wrap things up.